I can’t write anymore

I can’t write anymore. As much as I would love to express myself through writing, I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I haven’t written in ages and because of this I feel incapable of getting back into the habit of writing and picking up from where I left off. To me, the idea of writing is exciting but the act of having to do it drains me of energy before I even begin.

When I have to write my first word, I freeze and my knoweledge of the English language dies and I become illiterate. How do I write? Word? Like, what kind of word? I have a blank page, what do I do? I keep hearing that reading will improve language skills but I have to admit I haven’t been reading much anymore. Reading no longer excites me. I’ve also noticed that I don’t have the patience to read anymore. My mind will eventually drift to a random though of a very random situation that has nothing to do with the text in front of me. This happens often now.

Recently, I had a conversation with my brother and it was then I realized that I have trouble forming coherent sentences and have a very limited vocabulary. I don’t know how long I have been like this but I hate the feeling of not being able to speak right especially since English is the one language I strongly depend on. Although it is not my native language, I have spoken English for so long it became the primary language that I use. My Arabic, my mother tongue, is weak and broken that I feel awkward when speaking. I can understand clearly if someone spoke but I avoid writing and speaking in that language at all costs. As for other languages, I can’t consider myself fluent in speaking them. And now I realize my English speaking skills are dwindling is a scary thought.

When it comes to writing though, my English is not as bad as when I speak it. When I speak, I drone on and on in an attempt to complete a single sentence and I repeat a chunk of the sentence three or four times before finishing the sentence. I am also terrible at saying out loud the point I am trying to make. Maybe I just need my entire life scripted for me.

This is just me ranting. Besides I haven’t used my blog much anymore so I figured, why not?