Why do I even bother?

Why do I even bother anymore?

Why? Why?

I thought it would be different this time around

I thought things could change for the better but they don’t

Why, oh, why? I wonder

I was told to stay away because it wasn’t worth the trouble

But went back to the flame. I never learn, do I?

Is it because I like the pain? Is it because I am mentally dysfunctional?

Either way, I got into trouble again. It happened all over again. I thought this year would be a new year but…

It’s happening all over again…

I did this to myself, now I must accept punishment

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Black thoughts

Hello.

My rambling.

I have decided maybe it’s best for me not to put up the rest of the story “Underneath The Lid of The Coffin” and instead finish it and keep the rest of the story unposted and for my own self. There is no reason other than I have given up on the story and will continue it on my own pace (Maybe next year, maybe never).

In the meantime, I will focus my attention on things I enjoy and the topics of my writing will be about those things. They may also be unposted. I was never one to publisize my work. I am also very lazy and I never to any work when I am in a bad mood and I am in a bad mood almost all the time. Guess I was meant to be lazy. Oh well, I mean, it’s not like it bothers me or anything. A little inconvenient but I’ll never stop being lazy.

Let’s talk about today. What happened today?

Not much. Just thinking about my usual thoughts. I don’t care anymore. I went to an exhibition thing today. I was irritable. I was moody. At some point I just wanted to die. Now that I am home, I just don’t care anymore. Today was a crappy day. I don’t care. I don’t want to care.

Let’s talk about thoughts.

My thoughts?

I thought of going somewhere far far away where everything was distorted and no one spoke any language because language was not needed. Everybody minded their own business and everybody did their own thing and everybody was blank. They were nothing. They were nothing more than moving figures. There was neither life nor death, just mere existance. I had black thoughts quite regularly. Maybe I could use them for a story.

What else did I think of?

I thought I was repulsive. Why? I dunno. Somethings just are. I mean, I certainly don’t mean to be. I’m sorry if I am.

I think I should be quiet now.

Happy Birthday, Benzo. 10/18

“Happy Birthday, Benzo!”

Avy trotted along the hallway, waving to her close companion. He smiled and waved back.

“Avy! How are you?”

“Oh, I’m well. Sorry I haven’t gotten you anything for your birthday.”

“Oh, that’s okay. You don’t have to get me anything.”

“No, I’m getting you something and that’s final! Now, what would you like for a birthday present?”

“Avy, just saying ‘Happy birthday’ is eno-“

“Answer the question!!”

“Hmm… What would I like? Well… Oh! Avy, you’re good at sewing! Could you make me an embroidered fabric bookmark? I’d love one of those.”

“Oh, is that all? Alright. Any specific pattern?”

“Anything you make is good enough. You’re handstitched stuff are amazing!”

“Benzo! You gotta learn to be more… um… demanding!”

“Materialistic?”

“I said DEMANDING!”

“Ahaha, alright. Um… Uh… Can you… Can you stitch something that looks like a braid?”

“Yeah, I mean, that is the most basic stitch one can make.”

“No, I mean a hair braid? Can you stitch an image of a hair braid and have it, kinda like, tied at the end?”

“Oh! Not sure, I’ll try. What color should the braid be?”

Benzo gulped.

“S-Silver.”

“Ah, ok, gotcha. Well, I’m off. And happy birthday! Again!”

“Thanks so much, Avy!”

Underneath the Lid of a Coffin p2

Seth and I got to the funeral where we offered our condolensces. I stuck very close to him and mimicked his behavior hoping I don’t look awkward which I’m sure I did. I tried my hardest not to sniff my shirt wondering if my cologne was too strong.

“Stop fidgeting!’, Seth hissed. For a moment I stood there in confusion until I realized that I was indeed fidgeting. I pulled my hands away from each other and held them by my sides, fists clenched.

“unclench your fists”, he advised and I did so. “Seriously, I keep wondering how Arin ever managed to put up with you.”

It was hard to keep my head up after hearing that. I could feel myself slouch despite my will. Arin was always too kind to me. Half the things he did for me I did not deserve. I remebered how Arin would always stand up straight with a confident look on his face and I immediately take a deep breath, stand tall, and slowly let it out. I offered condolences to the deceased’s family in that gait, trying not to worry about what people thought of me. This is a serious moment and the family are grieving, there’s no time to worry about how I look or what people think and I can definitely put aside my nervousness.

There was a room where everyone just sat and wept. At the door, my legs felt like they got dipped in concrete and left to dry but as soon as I saw Seth walk through I followed suit. I sat four seats away from Seth who was chatting with a small group in a corner. Their faces were unreadable so it was difficult to figure out the conversation they are having. Having a slight clue about what the folks about me talk about, it could be anything at all. It could be about the deceased or, to lift the mood, it could be about something more comforting and a completely different topic altogether. I sighed. I had no one to talk to.

It was then that I saw her. Avy, garbed in a black dress. I’ve seen her in that dress before. It was actually sleeveless but she wearing a black short sleeved shirt underneath that went quite well with it. She would wear that particular shirt with a brooch with a dark purple jewel which she decided to remove for this occasion. Her eyeliner was a bit smeared from crying then trying to fix her makeup again. She doesn’t usually wear much makeup, just eyeliner but I don’t think she needs it. She’s very pretty anyway. She saw me, smiled and gave a tiny wave and went back to talk with a friend. I just sat there, being as patient as I could trying to breath in the black heavy air around me. I just wanted to go home at that point.

Underneath the Lid of a Coffin

  (This is part one of a short fictional story I came up a few days back)

 I had heard someone passed away that day and decided to attend the funeral with Seth. Seth was the one that told me the news. The deceased was no one I knew but I thought it courteous to attend their funeral anyway. He was a person like the rest of us and everyone deserves even the smallest bit of sympathy. I quickly showered and put on a black suit then I stared into the mirror.

    Underneath my blazer was a black vest and a black shirt and since I couldn’t find my black tie I opted for the blue grey one. A few more seconds in front of the mirror and I began to question my appearance. Was I too flashy? Should I find my black tie instead of having to wear my blue-grey one? Should I just not wear a tie at all? Should I lose the vest? I wonder if I should even go at all. I thought of taking off the vest and tie but Seth barged into my room to tell me we had to leave immediately. Oh well, at least my socks are black. Don’t wanna go into a funeral home looking like I’m about to have a fancy dinner. Now, that I think about it, it was my anxiety that got me over thinking things.

   I am always anxious during funerals, weddings (others not mine. I’m not married), and other occasions that usually have social gatherings. I’d rather be alone or with someone I don’t know very well. Funerals, especially, make me extremely nervous. The somber mood in the atmosphere that is thick with dark feelings make me feel like I’m lying underneath a boulder, slowly being crushed to death. And to make things worse, I am such a socially awkward and one slip up in a dark moment such as this could make things worse. Like, if I were to say: ‘Hey, sorry for your loss’ , instead of, ‘Good afternoon, I am sorry for your loss’, I could end up offending many and I don’t want to sound rude during someone’s funeral!